by Matthew Atkinson, LCSW

Former YWCA Director of Education, Oklahoma City

How this guide will help.

Rape is an act of violence which is usually accompanied by a physical threat, and which is almost always done to females by male attackers. Rape (and attempted rape) is the fastest-growing crime in America, yet receives little helpful attention by media, educators, or politicians. Since rapes are often unreported, nobody knows exactly how many actually happen each year, but estimates are that more than a half-million sexual assaults occur annually.

Even though there is little public attention to rape, there are many scientific studies about rape, rapists, and effective forms of therapy. As a result, public awareness is improving, rape myths are being challenged, and survivors are finding better help today than in years past.

As you might expect, most resources to help rape survivors are crisis centers, police stations, and specialized counseling programs. However, rape does not only affect the woman, but also her family, friends, and other loved ones. Because of this, people in relationships with rape survivors are called secondary survivors; we are not the ones who were attacked, yet we are still hurt and affected by the incident. Secondary survivors sometimes need help dealing with the trauma too, and our role as the victim’s helpers makes it important that we provide ourselves with information and counseling whenever needed.

Males can have some of the greatest effects on a woman’s recovery. Depending on how we approach our role as helpers, we can either make her experience worse or better; we can either react badly and devastate her trust in men, or we can be one “key” in her recovery and healing. Since half of raped women turn to a male as their first source of help and advice, we play a crucial role in both the short-term and long-term experiences she has after the assault.

Although we men often want to help the survivor, we are often ill-prepared to be effective. We might think of rape as a “woman’s problem,” or assume that it’s something they can just “get over.” Or we may assume they’ll never “get over” it; that she will always be impure or “dirty” because of what someone else did. Maybe we realize we’re even angry at her, being critical of her decisions (“you put yourself in that situation!”) or wanting violent revenge against her attacker. As a result, a lot of poor decisions are made by well-meaning helpers.

If your wife, daughter, or friend is raped, this guide will give you ways to help her recover. You will learn what you should and should not do. You will learn what emotions she may be experiencing, and how to talk to her about them. You will also learn how to handle your own emotions about what’s happened.

 

Rape myths that some men actually believe!

There is no such thing as a “typical” rape, or even a “typical” rapist or “typical” victim. However, there are a lot of common elements and misconceptions that affect rape survivors, and understanding them will help you become sensitive to what she has faced–and is facing.

First–and I cannot emphasize this enough–rape is not about forcing someone to have sex. It is not sexual at all, in fact. This may sound like a startling and bizarre thing to say, so hear me out.

Although rape usually happens when a woman’s body is penetrated in what we consider a “sexual” way, rapists themselves tell us that their crime wasn’t about being aroused, attracted, turned on, or “horny beyond control.” Rather, it is a crime of violence in which the goal is to take power, not sex, from the person. Sex is the method used to take power and control; not the goal of the attack.

Think of it this way: when someone mugs a person at gunpoint, the point of the crime is to take something valuable from the victim, usually money. It is not about fulfilling a desire to point and use a gun. The gun is the weapon used to take something else from the victim, and rapists use sex as their weapon, not as the thing they want to get.

While most rapes don’t involve a gun (in fact, few rapes involve a weapon at all, other than threats and force, or reduced self-defense brought on by alcohol or drug use), it is common that bodily injury can happen. This is a real danger: although an injury may have occurred, it is often in such a private place or done is such an unthinkable way to her body that many victims decide to never report the crime at all, keeping it a secret…but also preventing themselves from getting medical attention.

Since this is a violent crime where one person injures her body with one part of his body, it is crucial to understand that it is a terrible myth that the woman somehow “asked for” it, liked it, brought it on herself, wanted it, or is exaggerating the experience. Even when the attacker is someone she is dating–a boyfriend, or even a husband–this is still a violent assault made by a person wanting control over the victim, not something she wanted or enjoyed (or gave in to, but later changed her mind about by making up a “rape story”). No matter what you talk about with the survivor you are helping, it is never appropriate to hint or suggest, or even ask, that she may have liked it, brought it on, or provoked it.

A second related fact that we men often struggle with is that the woman is absolutely not responsible for her victimization. Not even slightly. No, not even 2% responsible. This is where we men often have the urge to retort, “Yeah, but…yeah, but what if she…Yeah, but how about when…?” Nope, nope, and nope.

Men often assume that the victim could have prevented the rape by taking certain precautions, avoiding certain situations, changing their appearances or behaviors, resisting more forcibly, not drinking, etc. It’s even easier to make these assumptions if she shows no visible injuries; we might assume then, “Well, the guy apparently wasn’t violent, right? I mean, she’s not hurt, so clearly if she had fought back (or kicked him in the groin, punched him with car keys, etc.), then she could probably have escaped!”

Some men even subconsciously wonder whether the victim gave subtle tacit consent if she didn’t resist as violently as he feels she should have. This assumption unfairly suggests that she shares some blame for the assault, and that if she were able to change enough things about her appearance, location, or behavior, she would be safe.

Here’s why that’s all wrong: Women who have survived rape have reported in studies that fighting back made the attacks against her become more violent in 20-35% of the cases. In other words, the decision to fight the attacker can possibly threaten her own safety even more.

Rapes happen in every hour of the day and in virtually any setting, and to every age group. When a person is being attacked, there are three instincts that can happen, and these instincts are chosen by the body, not the thinking mind:

1. Fight. We males often assume this is the best instinct, and will even sometimes blame women who don’t make this choice. Courts often get this one wrong, too, by suggesting that if she didn’t fight back, she can’t claim he (the attacker) was raping her. “Where,” they’ll ask, “was your show of resistance?”
2. Flight. This is the “run away” instinct. The risks here are that she may be stranded, and it may provoke more anger in her pursuing attacker which makes her risk of injury more severe if she is caught.
3. Freeze. This is the most common instinct–for both males and females, no matter how tough we try to talk when we’re not actually in that situation. A person feeling threatened may curl up, become tense, cover their faces with their arms, and even become silent (or at least not scream). Again, courts and secondary survivors often misunderstand this instinct and blame the woman with the idea, “if she just froze, didn’t scream, didn’t fight, and just remained silent and still and numb, she can’t say it was an attack, right?”

 

There is nothing wrong with any of these instincts, except that victims will often look back at their experience in hindsight and criticize themselves later. “I feel so stupid,” she might admit, “that I just stayed there! I didn’t kick or scrape or fight! Why didn’t I do more? It’s my fault for not stopping the attack!”

At this point, it is entirely appropriate to disagree with her and tell her she is wrong–that it was not her fault, that her decisions are perfectly normal and may have saved her life, and that you support her.

Third, it is important to understand that there is nothing she could do differently that would prevent it. Rape victims will almost always find ways of blaming themselves for the assault by listing all the ways they could have fought differently, dressed differently, screamed differently, hit differently, or been somewhere different. Victims who blame themselves are trying to find a sense of control again: “If I can figure out what I did wrong, I’ll know what to change, or not do again, and I’ll be safe. I can prevent being attacked again if I can figure out what mistakes I made, and not repeat them!” It’s a natural but unhealthy way for her to create a false sense of control over whether this could happen again.

In reality, we know that there is nothing about a victim that makes a rape happen. A rape happens in only one circumstance: when there is a rapist who makes a decision that a rape will happen. Rapes happen because of the rapist, not because of anything about the victim.

One of the worst ways to “help” a victim is to join in with her instinct to name a list of things she could have done differently, or did wrong. When a victim blames herself, this is the only time when it is proper, and necessary, to disagree with her and tell her she is wrong:

“No, it wasn’t your fault. This didn’t happen because of anything you did wrong, or how you dressed, or where you were. It happened because a very sick and angry person made a terrible decision to do this to someone. I am very sorry that it happened to you. You don’t deserve it, and it’s not your fault.”

Sometimes we think of all the ways a woman could “prevent” rape: Don’t go into bad situations, don’t dress in provocative clothes, don’t drink or use drugs, etc. The problem with this line of reasoning is that it suggests these behaviors make rape happen, or that they are poor choices that make rape a natural or deserved result. Notice that they also suggest that all the changes should happen in what women do: how they should act, dress, where they can be (and when, and with whom), and what they should do. This kind of thinking puts responsibility on women not to be victims, rather than putting responsibility on rapists not to commit crimes. And when women are raped, this thinking adds to their shame and humiliation by suggesting that they failed to follow unwritten rules, and therefore “deserved” the natural consequence.

Let’s review. In this section we’ve learned these important things:

• Rape is a power crime, not a sex crime. Sex is the method of rape, not the goal.
• The victim is not responsible–even slightly–for what a rapist has chosen to do. Even if we disagree with some of her decisions during the incident, some of her responses are instincts (not choices), and even when she does choose some of her actions, no choices make rape deserved, natural, or even likely. Only a rapist’s choice to attack makes a rape happen.
• All humans–men and women–have three instincts when we feel out life is threatened: Fight, flight, or freeze. None of these choices is “better” than the other, so we should resist judging a victim who did something other than “what I would have done in that situation.”
• Nearly 100% of victims will blame themselves after the rape. This is an unhealthy but natural way for her to emotionally protect herself by trying to figure out what she did wrong, so she’ll be able to “fix it” and jeep it from happening again. It is important that you not go along with it, and even disagree and insist that none of it was her fault.

You can help her by:

• Knowing the myths, and not falling for them
• Understanding what she is going through and why she blames herself
• Listening without asking prying questions, but also reminding her that she is not to blame
• Allowing her to make decisions to regain control (except the decision to blame herself; you will gently but solidly teach her that she is not at fault)

Addressing her immediate needs

The period of time immediately after a rape is emotionally charged, confusing, chaotic, and extremely anxious–for both of you. It is also a time of physical distress and high risk for her. Not only has she been terrorized and totally violated, but she fears that her closest companions may not be supportive or believe her. One of the most frightening experiences for a victim is getting the courage to talk to you, and watching how you will react. Your reaction can set the tone for her recovery in years to come. She will wonder,

“Do I need medical care?”

“Should I report this to police?”

“Am I pregnant? What if I get a sexual disease like AIDS?”

“Should I tell my family?”

“What will others think of me?”

“Am I ruined for the rest of my life?”

“How will this affect people I love? Will I be an embarrassment to them?”

“Will it happen again?”

“Can my life be normal again?”

Obviously, rape isn’t something she can just “get over.” The emotional effects can last for years, and unfortunately helpers like police, doctors, ministers, and lawyers can be insensitive. For example, if she reports the assault to a hospital, they will have to collect physical evidence to be used in convicting the attacker. This is an intimate, painful process. And even more distressing is that this evidence must be collected before she bathes, changes clothes, eats, drinks, smokes, or brushes her hair. The advantages to a medical exam, though, are these:

1. Evidence can be used to convict the attacker.
2. Physical injuries can be detected and treated immediately.
3. Preventative contraception can be given to block pregnancy.
4. Antibiotics can be given to combat infections, including many sexual diseases.
5. Psychologically, it becomes her way of gaining control again by not letting him “get away with it.” It feels like a way of fighting him back and talking a brave step for herself.

You should encourage her to seek medical help, but the decision should remain hers. Remind her that you can go with her through every step, and even though you can’t be in the same room while the nurses are working you will be right outside. An advocate from the YWCA will arrive to meet you, and she will sit with the victim through every moment of the examination to talk with her, help her, give comfort, and provide both of you with more information about counseling and other services available for free.

Even if she does not want to go through an evidence examination, or if the evidence has been lost because of time, showering, etc., it is important that she see a physician as soon as possible. Assisting her in this process tells her two things about you: first, that you understand that the attacker is at fault here, not her, and you place responsibility where it should be: on him. You will use proper methods to seek justice. Second, you are compassionate and patient, and you want to be supportive and understanding of her. She is not going through this alone, but with a strong, dependable partner.

What you should do

The most common reaction among men is an intense anger and a desire to seek revenge against the rapist. This is normal and understandable–I would feel the same thing. Yet this is a time when calm judgement is needed, and violent revenge would be the wrong way to help her.

First, going after the guy can scare the victim by making her wonder if the attacker will come after her for revenge because she told someone what he’d done, got him beat up, etc. In fact, retaliation by the rapist is possible.

Second, it shows her that yet one more male she thought she could trust becomes violent as a way of handling his angry emotions again. She’s just had to deal with one man like that; the last thing she wants to see is yet another man in her life using violence to express what he wants.

Third, it’s illegal. Assault and battery -no matter how much the guy might deserve it- are crimes and the attacker can be prosecuted. That would mean that her helper might be fined or imprisoned, leaving her without a protector while her rapist is still free. Yes, it happens in real life. Often.

Fourth, it can make her feel guilty, as if she’s “imposed” an emotional burden on you. She may see the fierce anger of your reaction and wish she hadn’t  stressed you out with one more thing for you to have to deal with. She may even try to take the role of being your comforter, counseling and soothing you when in fact she is the one in need.

Your anger should never be directed toward her. In my professional work, I’ve actually seen young women who were far more damaged by a loved ones’ scolding, “how could you be so stupid to get yourself raped?!” than by the rape itself. Words hurled in moments of frustration can be severe in this situation. Anger against her deprives her of an opportunity to talk openly with someone she can trust.

Avoid questions, especially those that begin, “Why…? Why didn’t you…? Why weren’t you…? Why were you…? Couldn’t you have…? Should you have…? Do you think that was a good idea…?” and other questions that begin with hints of blame, or make her defend herself. Even if you don’t blame her, she will be listening sensitively to any hints that you might, so be very careful with questions. Rather than asking questions at all, try suggesting something honest like this:

“I don’t understand what you’re going through, but I care about you deeply. If you want to talk to me about this, I will listen. I want to be someone you can trust to be helpful to you, whenever you are ready.”

No matter how curious you are, avoid asking about details of the attack. If she wants to discuss them, listen to her but avoid pressing for more information.  Never discuss with her whether she enjoyed any part of the attack (she didn’t!), because it is important that she sees that you don’t equate rape with sexuality, promiscuity, or infidelity.

Males aren’t the only ones who misunderstand rape; females do too–including victims. Convince her that you do not share those views that blame the victim for what another person has done to her. When you insist, “It wasn’t your fault,” I can almost guarantee that she will disagree with you, debate you, and list the reasons why it was, but remain steadfast. Don’t debate her point by point, just keep assuring her, “I know, but none of this was your fault. I don’t blame you–not at all.”

The advantage of this won’t be apparent right away. But that’s not the point. The point is that when she is ready to talk–a month from now, a year from now–she already knows that she has at least one person in her life who won’t blame her for the attack. The advantage is for how it will help her in the future to say that now, not for what it will do to help her now.

Avoid taking charge, even you don’t agree with the decisions she is making about how to handle this. While you should encourage her to seek help, counseling, and medical attention, do not overwhelm her decision. That’s what the last guy did, remember? It is important that she is the decider and you are the supporter.

Don’t feel shut out or hurt if she isn’t immediately open to you about the rape. It’s not a sign that she doesn’t trust you, or has lost love for you; it is a sign that she might not trust herself just yet. She will need a long time to grow strong before she can discuss it with anyone, even you. Then again, some victims are immediately open. But don’t disrespect her privacy by prying, inquiring, or pressing her to be open, even if you believe “it’s so we can deal with it and move on.”

Tell her you love her. Tell her you love her. Tell her again that you love her. Got that yet? Tell her you love her.

 

Communicating with her

For the victim, having to relate the incident to you can be a source of anxiety. A large percentage of relationships undergo strain, and even collapse in divorce, in the aftermath of an assault when the system of communication breaks down. But there are several steps you can take to prevent this:

Be patient, approachable, and willing to show that you are loving. By giving her the opportunity to express her feelings–at the time of her choosing–you will help her work through emotional conflicts.

Do not pressure her or “interrogate” her by insisting that she describe details of the attack, or how she feels, or how she feels about you (making it all about you can be seen as selfish). When she is ready to talk she will do so. Do not express anger over her reluctance, like sighing “Fine!” and walking out or using guilt like “How can we deal with this if you won’t be open to me?” Rather, say things like “That’s okay. This is tough, and whenever you want to, I’m ready to listen” (notice the word “listen,” not “talk”).

Eventually, it will be necessary to discuss the impact of the rape on your relationship. I suggest doing this in the presence of a counselor who specializes in rape (not just “marriage and family counseling,” but specifically a sexual assault therapist).

What to say to other people

For the rape victim, having to relate the incident to family is another source of anxiety, so much so that many victims keep their attacks completely secret and never tell their families. Family members often have responses similar to those of the victim herself: shock, rage, confusion, guilt, and helplessness. It is important for them to demonstrate their concern for her, but some families aren’t sure how to best do this. You may find yourself in the middle, acting as a bridge between her and the rest of the family. Here are some ways to help:

• Family members who feel helpless may try to alleviate their own sense of helplessness by venting rage or threats against the rapist. They may also think that by showing their anger toward him or making violent threats,  they can persuade the victim to realize, “see? We’re on YOUR side!” But again, such threats may further traumatize her, or make her regret telling her family what has happened. Their anger should be expressed to a counselor or to you, but not to the victim. Constant expressions of anger only heighten her tension and anxiety, and can make her feel she has “burdened” her loved ones with this trauma.
• Discourage other people from unintentionally trivializing the assault through their jokes or comments. Males in particular often use “rape humor” when we are uncomfortable with the issue of rape. These jokes are likely to confuse and isolate her rather than raising her spirits. Similarly, avoid being entertained by music which expresses violent attitudes towards women, since this will give her a mixed message about you: “you claim you are caring and sympathetic, yet you allow your mind to be filled with forms of entertainment that degrade and humiliate us.”
• Well-intentioned family members may try to solicit support from close friends, ministers and clergy, co-workers, and others. They may feel they are recruiting help for the victim, or that they are “just helping myself deal with it,” but to the victim this can seem like gossip or even betrayal of intensely personal information. Unless she is prepared to talk with others about the incident, you should discourage others from offering unsolicited advice or bringing people into the situation. But you should not discourage her from talking to the people of her own choosing, even if it makes you envious that it might not be you.
• Families sometimes overprotect the victim by trying to convince her to move back home, change cities or schools, carry weapons, enroll in self-defense classes, and essentially transform her own life into a 24/7 routine of self-surveillance. The risk of this is that it reinforces her own view of herself as powerless in a dangerous world, one in which she must accept responsibility for violence against her by others. It echoes her guilty belief that this was something that happened because she failed, wasn’t prepared, or didn’t react right, and now we’re going help train her to not be at fault again–clearly the wrong message. It also prevents her from finding her own independent strengths. It is not supportive to increase her sense that she has lost control over her life, or that she cannot be self-reliant.
• Amazingly, some families can even be callous and cruel about the assault. It is not rare that family members express their outrage and shock by attacking the victim herself, scolding her for “being so stupid” or “putting yourself in that situation,” or chastising her “if you had only listened to me…” One family I worked with even used the rape as a means of discipline against their teen daughter, warning her that if she continually disobeyed “I’ll just take you right back there and you can get raped again until you learn your lesson!”
• Continual distraction of the victim should be discouraged. The family may create a “friendly conspiracy” to keep her mind off the assault by occupying her time with various activities, or acting as if it never happened. Essentially, this family is creating a false pleasantness under which painful trauma is masked. This approach can actually hurt the victim more by convincing her that she is a source of shame to the family, and that the family is struggling to overcome its own humiliation caused by her. It also portrays the rape as something “too awful to think about,” which isolates her from helpers.
• Encourage the family to respect her privacy. There are times when it is helpful for her to talk, and times when she will need to work through feelings alone. Allow her to choose which time is which. A constant stream of well-wishers can drain her, and can force her to become an actress masking her pain with polite pleasantness. Her alone times can be an important part of her recovery, since being alone after such a trauma is a sign of developing strength and self-reliance. Likewise, her poetry, journals, and art about the incident should remain private except when she chooses to reveal them.
• Nobody should ever communicate to her the idea that she was raped because she did something wrong. This is especially true of teenagers who are raped by their dates or friends, or if drugs or alcohol were used prior to the rape. Many rapists deliberately goad their teen victims into drinking or using drugs specifically because it will prevent the girl from reporting the rape to her parents or police out of fear that she will be punished for her behavior, rather than supported as a victim of a crime.

 

Let’s review some of the tips we have learned:

• The victim will be confused after the assault, so it is important that you discuss the need for medical care. But it is entirely her choice whether to undergo an evidence-collecting examination.
• Men often have an instinct to seek revenge, but this is a poor option that can further traumatize the victim, rather than helping her.
• You are more helpful by listening than by asking. Allow her to choose what to say, and when, but without prying or rushing her to open up.
• When the victim blames herself–and she will–it is important that you disagree and assure her repeatedly that she is not to blame for the rape, no matter what bad decisions she might have made before or after the attack.
• Family members try to be helpful in many ways that aren’t always helpful. They should not invade her privacy, pretend it didn’t happen, use jokes to cope, make threats, or express their anger to (or at) her.

 

Long-term consequences of rape

By now it should be apparent that the effects of rape extend far beyond the episode and its immediate aftermath. A complete recovery can take months or even years, but you can help by understanding the stages of her recovery and how to help each one.

Some victims express themselves very openly, while others may hide how they feel. Some become very emotional, and others become almost stoic and blunt about it. Immediately after the attacks, rape crisis workers report that victims often laugh and joke and become entertaining at the hospital before and during the rape exam. These are all normal ways to react, and even the victim who becomes seemingly merry out of shock is only showing an alternative to complete devastation.

The symptoms that happen after a rape are often called “Rape Trauma Syndrome” (RTS), but not a “syndrome” in the sense of being a type of mental disorder, but as a series of stages toward recovery.

The first phase, acute, begins with the woman’s first responses immediately after the incident. These include shock, disbelief, confusion, anxiety, crying, and other signs of emotional disorganization. The most common fear at this stage is that “nobody will believe me.” Incidentally, the single experience most often named by survivors that helped them heal the most was “whether someone I trusted believed me.”

At this time a number of physical symptoms may occur, too: soreness or bruising from the attack, vaginal or rectal bleeding, tension headaches, fatigue, sleep disturbances, nausea, and lack of appetite.

The victim also experiences a variety of feelings including: fear, self-blame, anger, embarrassment, and nightmares. Abrupt changes in mood are common, including lashing out at people close to her who are her helpers and supporters. Part of this is a coping skill: she is testing you to see if you are durable as a supporter, and whether you will become angry and attack her or whether you are reliable, calm, and understanding. These are things she wants to know before trusting you as a helper; do not let your feelings become bruised by this “testing” process, no matter how intimate you were before the attack.

The second phase is one of apparent readjustment. She  may even announce at this stage that she has “forgotten” the incident, and insist “I’ve dealt with it now and I’m ready to move on.” This may even appear to be a final resolution, but if anything the rape is constantly in the background of her thoughts and has not been resolved. In my work as a therapist with teens, I encounter teen females several times a week who announce that even though they were raped two years ago (or whenever), they are “over it,” they are “fine with it,” and it’s “not an issue” related to their current drug use, abusive relationships, alcoholism, depression, self-mutilation, or suicidal attempts.

Since this is still a stage toward her recovery, do not bluntly discount her assurances by saying, “no you haven’t dealt with it!” Instead, congratulate her on her strength, and simply add, “if you have feelings about it that come up again, I am still here to talk to at any time.”

The third stage is marked by the reemergence of the troubling responses she experienced earlier (depression, anxiety, fear, insomnia, nightmares, drug use, tension headaches, etc.). This turmoil may be unpredictable and even frightening–both to you and to her. You may wonder, “what happened? She was doing so well!” She’ll probably wonder the same thing, and then feel depressed as she sees her second-stage strength appear to crumble: “I’m a failure! I’m slipping right back down again!” Some victims even have suicidal thoughts at this regression stage, and this is where relationships undergo the most stress because husbands, parents, and others hadn’t planned on “getting more of the same.” Arguments are common, and her criticisms of herself and you become very sharp.

Often in counseling groups with teens, the very same girls who insisted “I’m over it and I’m fine” become deeply troubled when the topic of rape comes up during our therapy groups. These girls who were convinced they were “over it” become sad, tense, and often leave the group feeling emotionally worse than when they came in. Within minutes or hours of the end of a group, these teens are often involved in arguments, fights, cursing tantrums, and “acting out.” This is a natural pattern in which the girl is confronting her own insecurities, and the fact that something painful has just been opened.

There is no easy way to slide through the recovery process, but counseling can help. It can teach her to recognize the steps of her recovery so she isn’t so frightened when they happen, and it can teach you how to help her cope. The YWCA of Oklahoma City offers free counseling to rape survivors at any point, no matter how long after the rape has occurred. You can also try these steps:

• Do not tell her that she “shouldn’t think about it” or “shouldn’t feel that way.” Telling her to ignore her feelings prevents her from resolving them. Even if she seems to be lashing out at herself or you, do not deny her right to these emotions, or suggest that she is poorly handling them by failing to control them better. This only makes her feel guilty about herself, and guarded about sharing her feelings with you.
• Do not become irritated because she has dependency needs that place demands on you. Ironically, males–who often seek the role of “provider” and “caretaker” for those who depend on us–later resent the very dependency we initially encouraged.
• Do not become angry if her recovery is progressing slower than you would like. Remember that people recover in different ways and paces. Do not impose on her the terms of her recovery; this expresses a lack of understanding and can make her feel resentment toward you.
• Do “together” activities which in the past have brought you closer together. This may include going for walks, re-reading old love letters together, camping, gardening, working out, watching films, or making mixed tapes of couples’ music for her.
• Do not act out in violent ways around her, such as fighting, cursing, hitting or ruining walls or furniture, or driving angrily. It is mistake to think that these are healthy releases of anger, especially around a person who has been through trauma. Similarly, turning to alcohol, the internet (becoming a “computer junkie”), or workaholism can leave her isolated and angry.

Overcoming fears about sex

Sex lives are extremely important in a couples’ relationship, and if you are in a sexual relationship with the victim this is an issue that will certainly come up. One understandable consequence of rape is an anxiety about sexual contact, especially for younger victims whose rape may have been their first “sexual” experience, which causes great confusion about the nature of human sexuality. For all victims, rape is done in a violent context without any love or emotional intimacy.

One possible result of this is increased anxiety about sex and a desire to avoid sexual contact. But when rape is the first, or an early, experience with sex for the victim, there is sometimes (not always!) a second common result: a hypersexuality in which sexual experimentation and casual sex become routine. Hypersexuality is an attempt to “normalize” her sexuality, treating it as something that may have lost its specialness and trying to rediscover what sex “should” be like when she, not someone else, is in control of initiating the experience.  

For the sexual partners of victims, there is likely to be a temporary disruption of sexual activity. Difficulties may be especially apparent if the rape was extremely violent or involved multiple attackers. Most victims experience temporary changes in their sexual responsiveness, and are concerned over the emotional responses of their partners (you).

If you are insensitive to her needs, it may make the resumption of sex seem rape-like, reminding her of the incident. It is not uncommon for victims to have flashbacks during sexual relations. Likewise, males often are insecure about our sexual performance, especially if she seems reluctant or displeased. We may even show flashes of anger or frustration when our advances are rejected, or when she becomes withdrawn and anxious during sex, but we should understand that these responses are not criticisms of us…yet our angry reactions to them might make her feel criticized.

As her partner, you should ask yourself, “How can I effectively communicate with the woman I love when she has been victimized?” Here are some suggestions to help:

• She needs to be given every opportunity to regain her sense of personal control, especially in the area of decision-making about sex. Do not demand or pressure or guilt her into sexual activity, and be calmly sweet to her when she declines. Don’t even flinch when she declines, and even make it easy for her to say no. Smile, gaze into her eyes, caress her shoulder, and simply tell her you love her, and you understand. “When you’re ready. I’m fine, and there’s no pressure. This is up to you, okay?” Even being given that power and caring by her mate can be a strong boost in her recovery, because it brings her closer to a partner who respects her decision, and isn’t seeking sexuality for his own selfishness.
• Do not be angry with her or doubt your adequacy if she appears less responsive than previously. It may be that certain cues present during the rape (smell of alcohol or cigarettes, certain music, certain place or time of day, even the “anniversary” each year of the rape) inhibit responsiveness. A willingness to alter your patterns will help your relationship.
• Just as you would not pressure her into sex, also be careful not to withhold your displays of intimacy. Understandably, some males will assume that victims have a diminished interest in sex and therefore we, the males, emotionally withdraw from her. Or we may assume she doesn’t want to be touched at all, but gentle caresses of her hand or arm can be soothing if she desires them. It is important that she knows you are respecting her right to decline sex, not that you are pulling away from her. If you become silent or sulk or pout, she may interpret that you consider her “polluted” or “tarnished” by the rape, as if she has lost her specialness to you. Ask permission to cuddle, offer backrubs, use gentle touches and talk to her about what non-sexual contact you want to do: “I want to pet your hair. I want to kiss your cheek. I’d like to hold your hand.”
• Be patient. Rape can cause physical pain, erratic menstrual periods, and discomfort. When the time for sex comes, be tender and slow. There are even some sexual techniques that are helpful: gazing into her eyes and smiling during intercourse, whispering the words “I love you…I love you so much…” over and over (and over and over), cradling her head or hands, and being willing to stop without feeling insulted if it just isn’t working out. Be ready to give up and try again another time if it turns out this time wasn’t quite right yet.

 

A special word to fathers

When the victim of sexual assault is a child or teen, the emotional impact on her and her family is especially severe. Fathers, who usually have a strong sense of responsibility toward daughters, may have particularly intense feelings of rage and self-blame (or even blame directed at the daughter). In the crucial hours and days following the rape (or following the moment she first tells you about a past rape), it is absolutely critical that you be aware of the stresses on your child. You should keep in mind:

• It is common that rapes committed against teen victims involve drug or alcohol use. In fact, rapists deliberately plan to involve these substances for several reasons: first, it makes victim-blaming easier. Rather than being helpful, family and others might assign part of the blame on her: “you put yourself in that position! If you hadn’t been doing those things…” Second, rapists know that teens will seldom report rapes if the victim herself has been drinking or using drugs. A rapist is aware that if he can get a 15-year-old girl to drink or use pot, then he is virtually assured that she will be too scared to tell her parents (or police) about the assault. If she confides in you, focus on the recovery she needs from a violent assault, not on the poor judgement that’s often easy to blame.
• Rape may have been her first “sexual” experience, causing her to have exaggerated fears about adult intimacy. She needs to know that she is not dirty or spoiled by what happened, and that her capacity to enjoy adult intimacy is not ruined or diminished, and that rape (or violence) is not how adults express themselves sexually. Even if your daughter replies, “duh, Dad, I know! Sheesh!” keep saying it anyway. Despite the appearance of being annoyed, she is listening, and it’s important to say. She also needs to know that rape is a crime of violence, not one of “uncontrolled passion,” and that she bears no responsibility for the violence inflicted on her.
• Because fathers and daughters find it difficult to discuss sexuality, do not be offended if she “clams up” around you. Find a sympathetic other person (nurse, counselor, YWCA (not YMCA–there’s a difference!) mentor, youth worker) to answer her questions. Don’t let your own awkwardness about sexual discussions with you daughter get in the way of her finding the answers she needs; it’s okay for Dads to admit, “honey, I just don’t know. Let’s call so-and-so and ask them.” Honesty will alleviate her confusion and fear.
• The rape may compound communication problems that already exist between teens and parents. Do not force her to disclose, but let her know you are willing to listen when she wants to talk. Healthy talks are seldom planned, and they don’t usually happen when a parent suggests them. They usually happen when teens direct the process with nobody else listening. Attempts to help her “forget” the rape by refusing to discuss it is like pushing a sliver deeper into the skin while pretending we can’t feel it if we can’t see it. It may also give her the impression that you are ashamed of her. Be sure to constantly remind her of how proud you are of her, and she’s not weak for being raped–she’s strong for surviving it and dealing with it!
• If your daughter was victimized by a date, she is likely to fear that you will hold her responsible for using poor judgement. Many fathers would, and it’s the wrong way to react. She may also fear that she will not be believed, that she will be accused of being dramatic, seeking attention, playing “poor me” games, or fear that you will take matters into her own hands through revenge on the guilty person. She might conceal certain facts from you, or otherwise act out in ways that seem to undermine her own credibility. Again, it is important that you not punish her for what someone else has done. Even more important, do not display more concern for what other people might think, than for your own daughter’s feelings. Worrying about family reputation, or stammering about “how am I going to explain this? What will so-and-so say? As if I don’t have enough to deal with! Oh, this is just what our family needs right now!” can make her feel humiliated or even disrespected. Knowing that she does not have to fear your reactions will be a positive step in helping her recovery.
• If she was assaulted by an acquaintance or date, assure her that she is absolutely not responsible for causing him to “lose control.” She may be especially worried if the attacker is someone she faces routinely, like a school peer or teammate. She also needs to know that her attacker is not representative of all males, and this is not “guy behavior” or “a guy problem.” Although she might rant about “men are pigs!” remember to assure her that this behavior is not manly or masculine. Your own reactions can teach her a lot about how a real man acts: openness, trust, calm strength, willingness to listen, patience.
• Encourage your daughter to resume her normal lifestyle. Limiting her independence by keeping her in the house, grounding her for not being careful, or restraining her normal decisions can seem like punishment, and will injure her recovering strength. It is also important that her rights and freedoms are still balanced with her reasonable responsibilities like household chores, homework, grades, curfew, etc. These establish a routine again, and remind her that she is not “cut off” from her family system, but is still a part of the life around her.
• Do not isolate yourself from friends who are also aware of the rape. Neither she nor you have any reason to feel ashamed. Your true friends will be supportive and understanding, and it’s okay for your daughter to see you stand up to ignorant comments or treatment by those who just “don’t get it.”
• If the victim is a young child, she may express herself behaviorally rather than verbally. Be alert for changes such as loss of appetite, withdrawal, changes in sleeping patterns, nightmares, or fear of being alone.
• If the crime is reported to authorities and the victim is a child, parental permission may be required before doing an evidentiary exam of providing medical treatment. Be available to give that consent.
• The evidence exam may also be a first-time experience and can be extremely upsetting to her unless parents and medical staff are sensitive. Insist that no part of the process take place without an advocate from the YWCA. A “advocate” is a trained woman whose job is to provide side-by-side support for both the victim and her family during the exam, unless a doctor requests that the advocate step out of the exam (a doctor has the final authority in the room). She will also provide you with brochures about counseling for her, or even for you.

Getting Help

We have learned that husbands, boyfriends, fathers, brothers, and other males can be significant in a woman’s recovery from rape. In fact, half of women who ever report their rapes turn to a male as their first source of trust, help, and advice. But because this is a heavy demand on males, we too often need support. Helping men is critical to helping victims.

In Oklahoma City, there are number of possible resources. The YWCA is perhaps foremost, because it operates the rape crisis programs including nurses’ training for evidence exams, rape survivor counseling, and prevention education programs for the community at no charge.

The YWCA routinely receives calls from women wanting therapy for Rape Trauma Syndrome, even years after the assaults. Counseling is gentle, confidential, and free.

Many males are reluctant to seek help because we might believe it is a sign of weakness. While it is difficult for some males to be open with our emotions, we need to understand that getting help is not a symptom of weakness or an admission that we just “couldn’t take it.” Rather, it is a realization that there are those with training in positions to offer useful advice, and referring to these helpers is no “weaker” on our part than choosing the needed tool from a toolbox during a home repair project.

It is also possible for males to help in other ways:

• Consider being a part-time volunteer with the YWCA. Male volunteers are rare, but desperately needed–who better to help guide the next generation of young males than a male volunteering to meet with them and explain some of these things?
• Raise public consciousness about rape by passing out literature, taping “hotline tear-off sheets” in bathrooms (or Laundromats, libraries, etc. We’ll even provide the handouts!), and attending community forums.
• Work to bring about legal and other reforms. Write to Oklahoma representatives and District Attorneys, and don’t be afraid to ask tough questions. Support the United Way, which is the primary foundation making grants to sponsor Oklahoma City’s rape and domestic violence crisis programs.

You play a major role in helping a loved on recover from rape. There are no miracle cures and it is not likely that you’ll know everything it takes to “make it all right” again. But by being patient, supportive, and non-judgmental you will be communicating the most important message: your unconditional love. Trust that she is strong enough to do the rest on her own.

Now go forth and make a difference.